Mastering Love, Detachment And The Art Of Fatherhood

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I have an unshakable belief that everyone is born a genius. We are part of the energy. We understand the energy and therefore we know everyone and everything. We live by instincts. We just know. But from that first slap on our butt, everyone we come in contact with teaches us to be stupid, feel shame and doubt ourselves. They insist that they know more than we do and that our instincts are wrong. Slowly we lose touch with the energy. I dedicated my life to re-connect with those lost instincts, learn to trust how I feel and being a role model for my kids to do the same. I am not sure I can define myself a role model anyway, I do my best.

My life is and has been somewhat unconventional, but overall blessed with so much love. When I became father for the first time I was amazed at the miracle, the joy, the possibilities. I have raised five boys and those feelings have never changed. I felt the same way when my grand children were born. The most important thing I found is to give up expectations, they only lead to disappointment. This minor adjustment to the way you see things, a parallax view, can open every door and window. Don’t try. Just do. Do without expecting a result. You can have a desired result in mind when you start, but if you don’t get what you want, accept it, deal with it and do something else. Thrive on the chaos. This is what life and family is. If you don’t get emotionally involved in the results you can control the outcome. Too often people are busy trying to be perfect, therefore they miss being real. And kids can always feel that. As fathers, and as individuals, we have to let go of the idea of failure. There is no such thing as failure. Everything we do achieves a result; therefore by definition it is a success. It may not be the result we wanted, but it is a result non-the less.

My intent is not to preach or even say it will work for anyone other than myself. I am presenting a few of the concepts that have worked in my life. I found that in order to be a better father and a better human being it’s imperative to be honest and evaluate who we are. What is it we want and need? If we don’t have love for ourselves, we can never find love for anyone else or allow them to love us. We can’t give what we don’t have. Unconditional love is love without expectations. As long as we do not expect anything in return for our love, we have no attachment to the outcome. We need to be able to open our mind to everything but be attached to nothing. And this can be hard, as parents we tend to naturally protect and shield our children no matter what. Instead we should teach them to embrace the pain. So many things in their lives will hurt: rejection, lies, illness, injuries, loss. It’s important for them to understand that they have total control over their lives. We need to empower them to take ownership of everything that comes within reach. Accept what is going on, allow them to feel the pain, but rather than being weakened by it, embrace it and gain strength from it. After all this what I believe true love is: being there for someone and allow them to grow into their own person, the person they are meant to be, while riding along for the journey.

From The Daddy Issue